कड़की के ज़माने की लिखी एक कविता है , पोस्ट करने का दिल किया , कुछ नौकरी की तलाश में भटकने का तजुर्बा बुरा था इसलिए तल्खी सी नज़र आएगी :-)...
"खुश्की इस जेब की कितने रंग दिखाए और
कितने दरवाज़े खटखटवाये , कितने ताने सुनवाए और
कई गधो को तो बाप बना ही लिया है
देखिये कितने बुतों को सिजदे करवाए और ....
जो जानशीन थे सब मुँह फेर बैठे हैं
वक्त गुज़रा जब चैन से कुछ देर बैठे हैं
मोसमो का बदलना तो रोज़ की बात हुई अब
दोसतो का मुकरना तो रोज़ की बात हुई अब
मोहब्बतों में ठगी का सिलसिला , कितनी देर चलवाए और
देखिये यह कड़की का ज़माना , कितने रिश्ते तोड़वाऐ और ....
हर दफ्तर , हर अफसर मुह फेरे बैठा है
तुम्हारी कोई औकात नही , हर बाबु यह कहता है ,
चिट्टी पत्रई लाओ बड़े नामो के दस्तख़त वाली
तुम्हारी डिग्रीया नही यहाँ किसी ज़ुर्रअत वाली
देखिये इस system की बेरुखी कितनी रिश्वते दिलवाए और
कितने रास्ते नपवाये शहर के , कितनी चप्पले घिस्वाए और ....
कई गधो को तो बाप बना ही चुके हैं
देखिये कितने बुतों को सिजदे करवाए और....
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Someday....
Someday when you would come, I’ll close my eyes..
I `ll hide my face in your lap and then…
I’ll Cry…
I’ll Cry so that all those painful years would wash away
from my memories…
So that the burns of scorching time get healed…
So that I could learn to laugh, all over again…
I `ll learn to sing the melody of raindrops…
…..learn to walk the lane of dreams…
In search of horizons…and beyond…
Someday when you would come..I`ll say sorry to you…for letting you go,
I `ll say sorry for living without you…all these years..
I’ll learn to hold your hands. And stop you from going,
I’ll learn to express, Just how much I belonged to you…
With you, each moment I would live a life..
And in those thousands of lives…………..
….I would learn to be yours..
I `ll hide my face in your lap and then…
I’ll Cry…
I’ll Cry so that all those painful years would wash away
from my memories…
So that the burns of scorching time get healed…
So that I could learn to laugh, all over again…
I `ll learn to sing the melody of raindrops…
…..learn to walk the lane of dreams…
In search of horizons…and beyond…
Someday when you would come..I`ll say sorry to you…for letting you go,
I `ll say sorry for living without you…all these years..
I’ll learn to hold your hands. And stop you from going,
I’ll learn to express, Just how much I belonged to you…
With you, each moment I would live a life..
And in those thousands of lives…………..
….I would learn to be yours..
Monday, September 15, 2008
completion of circle
The smell of vanilla cake and the melting candles had mixed up with the smell of roses and tulips. And had turned into a fragrance as unique as the occasion itself was… As he cut the cake, the sound of clapping which initially seemed to be coming from some distant place became louder and clearer to him…
He looked up wearily and saw her standing next to him and clapping hesitantly.. Wrapped in a pastel pink sari, she was standing with a stiff posture which told him that she was equally uncomfortable here as he was… and so was equally quiet..
Apart from her, he could see two handsome people clapping incessantly.. Their faces were glowing with hope and energy…their smiles reflecting a strange bliss …
He held the hands of the beautiful lady..The hands which never lost their warmth and softness.. He looked at her, wrapped in that pastel pink sari , with her subtle shyness and discomfort , she was still managing to keep herself standing in front of those flash camera lights.. Knowing her, he knew that she was having a difficult time..
When he held her hands, she came close to him.. She still is the same timid girl who needed him to save herself from all that was beyond her small, little comfort zone..
He looked at her and realized that though over the years her beauty has faded but her grace has increased.. He looked at her hands.. The finely filed long nails had disappeared and were replaced by comfortable looking pearl shaped cut.. the skin of fingers had loosened and was becoming softer than they ever were.. And the little shivering of hands told that she got more tired in lesser time than she ever did..
On that night of lights and candles, food and people, music and celebration he was more dreamy and lost then he ever was.. Nostalgia was taking over him …
From a makeshift hut in the village to a single room settlement in the town.. From a two bedroom rented flat to a two storey bungalow.. From a child of economically tight family to a student surviving on his small occasional earnings.. From a struggling new shop attendant to a successful businessman.. From a possessive, jealous husband to a friendly, supportive life partner.. From a strict disciplinary family head to an understanding loving father.. From a restless and insecure young boy to a content and peaceful old man..
He thought about the gone years. Years that deprived him and years that bestowed on him. He thought about the gone people. People who gave him and people who took away from him.. He thought about gone emotions. Emotions which strengthened him and emotions which weakened him..
There were moments when he complained about life`s stinginess.. and then, there were moments when he boasted about life`s bounty.. now looking back at time, life looked just to him.. His journey was an uphill chase but at the end of it , he is standing at top..
He thought this day as completion of the circle of his life.. He is SIXTY today…
He held the hands of his wife tightly and walked towards the bedroom, leaving his two children behind to celebrate his life…two loving and proud offspring reflecting his energy and his wife’s grace …And as he stepped into the bedroom ,he felt more accomplished then he ever felt…।
He looked up wearily and saw her standing next to him and clapping hesitantly.. Wrapped in a pastel pink sari, she was standing with a stiff posture which told him that she was equally uncomfortable here as he was… and so was equally quiet..
Apart from her, he could see two handsome people clapping incessantly.. Their faces were glowing with hope and energy…their smiles reflecting a strange bliss …
He held the hands of the beautiful lady..The hands which never lost their warmth and softness.. He looked at her, wrapped in that pastel pink sari , with her subtle shyness and discomfort , she was still managing to keep herself standing in front of those flash camera lights.. Knowing her, he knew that she was having a difficult time..
When he held her hands, she came close to him.. She still is the same timid girl who needed him to save herself from all that was beyond her small, little comfort zone..
He looked at her and realized that though over the years her beauty has faded but her grace has increased.. He looked at her hands.. The finely filed long nails had disappeared and were replaced by comfortable looking pearl shaped cut.. the skin of fingers had loosened and was becoming softer than they ever were.. And the little shivering of hands told that she got more tired in lesser time than she ever did..
On that night of lights and candles, food and people, music and celebration he was more dreamy and lost then he ever was.. Nostalgia was taking over him …
From a makeshift hut in the village to a single room settlement in the town.. From a two bedroom rented flat to a two storey bungalow.. From a child of economically tight family to a student surviving on his small occasional earnings.. From a struggling new shop attendant to a successful businessman.. From a possessive, jealous husband to a friendly, supportive life partner.. From a strict disciplinary family head to an understanding loving father.. From a restless and insecure young boy to a content and peaceful old man..
He thought about the gone years. Years that deprived him and years that bestowed on him. He thought about the gone people. People who gave him and people who took away from him.. He thought about gone emotions. Emotions which strengthened him and emotions which weakened him..
There were moments when he complained about life`s stinginess.. and then, there were moments when he boasted about life`s bounty.. now looking back at time, life looked just to him.. His journey was an uphill chase but at the end of it , he is standing at top..
He thought this day as completion of the circle of his life.. He is SIXTY today…
He held the hands of his wife tightly and walked towards the bedroom, leaving his two children behind to celebrate his life…two loving and proud offspring reflecting his energy and his wife’s grace …And as he stepped into the bedroom ,he felt more accomplished then he ever felt…।
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Me in my own eyes...
This is my day to write my first blog. The thought of writing a blog was around me for almost last two years and I have had so many things to write about, but writing needs patience..And this is one thing I lack so much..Moreover,I could think of so many things I would want to write about that it looked an uphill task to sort them out and take first thing first..
So for last few weeks, when I was hell bent to start writing, I was trying to figure out the driving force of my life,the most important thing for me, the most valuable of my memories, the most scary of my fears….And strangely the single answer which I got for all the above questions was driven by one word : “LOVE” ..The answer surprised me even more then it would surprise people who know me very closely..The answer which I got from within me, for a while, not just surprised me but took me out of my own comfort zone wherein I had believed for years that I don’t cling to anything because I don’t need anything. And I started wondering whether at this stage of my life, I have changed my basic values of life..So I decided to dig more into this dilemma..
Here are the four questions I asked myself:
What is the one thing I LOVE the most?
What is the one thing I VALUE the most?
What is the one thing I CHERISH the most?
What is the one thing I FEAR the most?
…Simple questions?..But I bet finding the answers of above, for anyone, wouldn’t be any easier then how much it was for me…It took me days to find the answers and weeks to get convinced of them..But when I accepted them at last they brought a huge relief to me..You want to know why? Here are the reasons:
What is the one thing I LOVE the most? :
Ans: My crazyness,my ability to do things which make me look stupid and give people chance to ridicule me but I still do them because I feel like doing them…
What is the one thing I VALUE the most? :
Ans: My sanity, because I know I have very less of it and for long I have been scared of loosing it…
What is the one thing I CHERISH the most? :
Ans: My dreams, There is nothing else which keep me going and keep me on hold at the same time…
What is the one thing I FEAR the most? :
Ans: My impulse, because I trust it the least…
So after all, my world is unmoved..I am still the center of my world..!!!...You know the kind of breath one would take if he was dipped inside water for sometimes and then was taken out?..That was the kind of breath I took after I realized this.. LOVE is the driving force of my life..and I LOVE myself.. and this is the complete solution for living a happy life…at least for me..
All the above analysis , took me to just one conclusion: That my first blog should talk about ME..I had lot of other ideas in mind but my self-obsession (call it my ONLY true love…) took over everything else..
So let me start about it..I promise that I will hold my pen tight and wouldn’t let it spill unwanted ink over paper ..I will try to keep it neat and clean..Though I know at times it becomes impossible to control Sneezing and Snorring..so kindly (If you have an option, you can be unkind as well..) bear with those jerks and occasional speed breakers… I am not conclusive about anything, though you can be judgmental if you want…
Three is quite an important number for me…Currently I am in third phase of my life..and when I looked back and analyzed, I found that each of those three phases were marked by three important trends…and there is nothing more appropriate I could tell you about my journey so far, except those three-three…Three phases-Three trends…
Childhood Years
1: Fascination with Moon: Would you think of school when you would think of your childhood years? The friends you had? Or the games you played? The most prominent of my childhood memories have none of them…In fact when I look back to those years, I would recall trees and birds, rains and mud, sunrise with bullock carts going to fields, sunsets marked with rajasthani folk music played in evenings in rural Jhabua district even today…
I was a lonely kid, if I wasn’t reading or writing, I would do just two other things: Playing with my dolls or cycling…well, reading and writing weren’t done literally in those years, it would consist of two activities, either staring at books or holding pen while thinking, whatever I would want to think, which generally was fantasizing ,about any possible thing you could think of…
But if I have to tell you my first encounter with ‘intense longing’, it would be this: The Bright, the Shiny, the Beautiful and Lonely, the Unreachable, Round Full Moon…When the vast, quiet night held the gorgeous moon, it looked so fullfilled..And I, like a silent and dedicated victim of its beauty, lie down in my courtyard… and when everyone else would be in their sound sleep, would stare at the night’s most precious belonging, as long as sleep would take over … For years I felt this longing so intensely that it has become a part of me..the object of desire kept changing but the intensity never went down..
2: Father’s Library and my first earning: If you ask me the most valuable treasure on this earth ,for me it would be my father’s library..Not because of the literal contents and quality per se, though it would fare well on that measure as well, but purely due to my emotional attachment with it..as kid, I have spent hours each day just staring at them with amazement and wondering whether my father had read all of them and whether he knew whatever is written in them.And more than that,whether I would ever be able to step in to their mysterious looking world ..
As I told, there was much more to my fondness with the library than even the books inside..The library gave me my first earning ,at the age of eleven..a full 100 Rs currency note..!!!...Not even a single penny less than the three digit number….which was surely much more then I could have dreamt in that age(considering the fact that I wouldn’t get even a single rupee to spend on my own in those days)…
It was an endless summer vacation. I tried all the possible activities which the children of our times were aware of..and had given up. When my father came up with this ‘too good to believe’ proposal..!!.. He asked me if I would want to arrange his books in the cupboard ..cover them up with a khaki paper, number them all and prepare a reference list with the numbers and titles of the book…I just jumped on the offer..:-)..I couldn’t have asked for more..And then the labor began..I got the ingredients of the recipe.. full roll of khaki paper, gum bottle, green color sketch pen, scissors..The books were of different size, shape and age.. some were so thick and big that I couldn’t hold them for more then few seconds, and some were so small that they could be covered with the left over waste paper…some were so old that their pages were coming out ,yet some were so new that I dint feel like covering them up with that boring khaki paper… And at the end of two months efforts ,I got a 100Rs currency note from my father..!!!..Even if I think hard today, I cant find out another event in my life so far, which had made me feel so happy and proud of myself as I was that day, holding the first earned money on my own.. What I did of that money? Well I gave it to my mother…
3: Talking with myself: The one thing which made my inner world a whole and complete space was this: I could talk with myself..for hours..while playing with my dolls,while peddling my bicycle,while watching sunsets..It was the time when my world wasn’t crowded,till then no one had stepped in ,no one had touched anything…everything looked so perfect..so balanced..so beautiful..so much possible..
It was much later that this world got crowded, shadowed, disheveled…noisy, old and rough…unbelievably fake..
But much before all these happened, for a while ,I lived in that serene, peaceful..and very owned world of mine…
Youth Years
1: Image in mirror: Youth years were a very difficult phase...the pace of change was unbearable, un-hold-able, un-slow-able .. Youth brought lot of complicated emotions along.. The most complicated change that I felt in me was the realization that I was a ‘GIRL’..till then I was as good (or as bad..!!!.) as a boy.. Strangely the worst of my struggle started when I started noticing myself in mirror.. It was a soft looking girl that I saw in reflection. That wasn’t ‘ME’..I wasn`t what I saw in mirror.. I was a rebel at core.. !!.. An angry person…angry with everything…Not settled with anything around.. but people started treating me like a growing up innocent girl...It was few years before I learned to react to people as per their expectations..I lived that image of mine which I saw in the mirror for years..and in those years I got more lost within me..got more unsure about myself..got more confused about my identity… It was only few years back when the traces of age started appearing that I started seeing a person with more strength and more conviction in the mirror .. So I loved growing up…growing up to what I am now. Because it took me out of my mirage of double existence.
2: Overwhelming Emotions: These years brought different kind of emotional insecurity.. I was over-sensitive and was easily hurt.. I started seeing world in different light, parents started looking distant, self doubts were abound, daily I would have a new question in mind and with each question ,I would become more unsure about myself.. I was struggling at every level.. my relation with everyone was changing.
I had to re-adjust with parents, siblings, friends.. I got new sets of rules and regulations as I grew up… studies, career planning , new kind of dreams, new kind of restrictions… all this brought lots of emotional pressure… I found myself worried all the time..
3: First Crush: One of the most featured incident in my life would remain my first crush..That un-usual experience taught me lot of valuable lessons..not just about Love but about Life as well…
I struggled against that feeling for years.. I cant bookmark the time when I came out of it but as I was winning over the vigor of it, I was becoming stronger within me..during this very important phase of my life, I learnt two things which I have never forgotten
1: Building Emotional Strength is one of the most basic exercise everyone needs to take up.. it doesn’t come easy, but then, nothing valuable comes easy in life..this strength keeps you safeguarded from most of the pains and fears in life..
2: The second lesson which I learnt is difficult to explain though but I will try..
I learnt that the ethics and morality defined in our society has got a very fragile base..they have little wisdom.. poeple are judged on factors they have no control over..The rigidity of social constitution has got a huge burden on its inhabitants, who basically are very vulnerable ..
Middle Age
1: Disillusions: Middle age so far has been the easiest and happiest time of my life.. After a long struggle I learnt to take life as it comes to me…No expectations, no complaints, no looking back and regretting, no setting benchmarks for future…Just living what I get…
For long I expected things to go in a particular direction, people to behave in a particular way, myself to be on par with a particular level.. I strived… but irrespective of whether I got what I expected or not, I wasn’t satisfied.. I craved for a moment of contentment, a moment when I was happy with wherever I was and whatever I had.. But that moment never came…till I stopped longing for it.. And after that things stopped bothering me.. My expectation from life went so low that whatever I got came as bonus to me…!!!.. So there lied the secret… A complete disillusionment would have brought a complete bliss…But even little disillusionment was blissful..
2: Re-discovery of self and re-assessments: I think to re-discover you, you need to loose yourself.. At least it happened with me.. For a while, life looked very hopeless and meaningless.. Nothing I knew was familiar.. Nothing I dreamt was relevant.. Nothing I desired was fulfilling.. It was Dark and Bleak and Lonely time.. I thought that life would go on like this and when I would get chance to look back ,I wouldn’t recognize me.. but I guess it never happens.. you never go out of touch with yourself.. it is just a matter of stopping for a while and calling yourself.. the sooner you do it , the better chances you have of finding yourself intact.. I was just in time to do that.. it was a huge relief when I heard back that very familiar, very forceful, frustrated yet hopeful , tired yet compelling voice from within… that was the moment and I have taken on life once again.. right now it is a time of redefining and re-assessment for me.. I am not sure if I would loose the lesson learnt of disillusion, but at the cost of conflicting myself, I admit that I am still hoping.. and yet I am still striving ..for the complete bliss..as everyone around me must be..
3: Settling down with myself: Towards the goal of finding the complete bliss for myself, this was a major step… I have stopped questioning myself, I have stopped judging myself.. I am being very lenient towards me.. I am settled with my flaws, my shortcomings, my inabilities.. I have learnt to love myself.. I can laugh on my stupidities, I can accept my mistakes, I don’t screw myself up if I don’t get what I set my mind on…for me it is about being happy, more then being successful… I know life still has to teach more lessons to me… I might still find reason to fight with myself..but right now and right here I am at peace with myself…
So was this it?..I wish I could say,’Yeah,this was it’..but as soon as I finished,I realized that there was so much more to tell..so much more to talk about..!!.I m feeling this compelling desire to start writing all over again…I am sure I am going to write it again to include things which were left unsaid..but before that let me ask few more questions to myself, let me discover more answers and let me get convinced of them…I will come back soon….
So for last few weeks, when I was hell bent to start writing, I was trying to figure out the driving force of my life,the most important thing for me, the most valuable of my memories, the most scary of my fears….And strangely the single answer which I got for all the above questions was driven by one word : “LOVE” ..The answer surprised me even more then it would surprise people who know me very closely..The answer which I got from within me, for a while, not just surprised me but took me out of my own comfort zone wherein I had believed for years that I don’t cling to anything because I don’t need anything. And I started wondering whether at this stage of my life, I have changed my basic values of life..So I decided to dig more into this dilemma..
Here are the four questions I asked myself:
What is the one thing I LOVE the most?
What is the one thing I VALUE the most?
What is the one thing I CHERISH the most?
What is the one thing I FEAR the most?
…Simple questions?..But I bet finding the answers of above, for anyone, wouldn’t be any easier then how much it was for me…It took me days to find the answers and weeks to get convinced of them..But when I accepted them at last they brought a huge relief to me..You want to know why? Here are the reasons:
What is the one thing I LOVE the most? :
Ans: My crazyness,my ability to do things which make me look stupid and give people chance to ridicule me but I still do them because I feel like doing them…
What is the one thing I VALUE the most? :
Ans: My sanity, because I know I have very less of it and for long I have been scared of loosing it…
What is the one thing I CHERISH the most? :
Ans: My dreams, There is nothing else which keep me going and keep me on hold at the same time…
What is the one thing I FEAR the most? :
Ans: My impulse, because I trust it the least…
So after all, my world is unmoved..I am still the center of my world..!!!...You know the kind of breath one would take if he was dipped inside water for sometimes and then was taken out?..That was the kind of breath I took after I realized this.. LOVE is the driving force of my life..and I LOVE myself.. and this is the complete solution for living a happy life…at least for me..
All the above analysis , took me to just one conclusion: That my first blog should talk about ME..I had lot of other ideas in mind but my self-obsession (call it my ONLY true love…) took over everything else..
So let me start about it..I promise that I will hold my pen tight and wouldn’t let it spill unwanted ink over paper ..I will try to keep it neat and clean..Though I know at times it becomes impossible to control Sneezing and Snorring..so kindly (If you have an option, you can be unkind as well..) bear with those jerks and occasional speed breakers… I am not conclusive about anything, though you can be judgmental if you want…
Three is quite an important number for me…Currently I am in third phase of my life..and when I looked back and analyzed, I found that each of those three phases were marked by three important trends…and there is nothing more appropriate I could tell you about my journey so far, except those three-three…Three phases-Three trends…
Childhood Years
1: Fascination with Moon: Would you think of school when you would think of your childhood years? The friends you had? Or the games you played? The most prominent of my childhood memories have none of them…In fact when I look back to those years, I would recall trees and birds, rains and mud, sunrise with bullock carts going to fields, sunsets marked with rajasthani folk music played in evenings in rural Jhabua district even today…
I was a lonely kid, if I wasn’t reading or writing, I would do just two other things: Playing with my dolls or cycling…well, reading and writing weren’t done literally in those years, it would consist of two activities, either staring at books or holding pen while thinking, whatever I would want to think, which generally was fantasizing ,about any possible thing you could think of…
But if I have to tell you my first encounter with ‘intense longing’, it would be this: The Bright, the Shiny, the Beautiful and Lonely, the Unreachable, Round Full Moon…When the vast, quiet night held the gorgeous moon, it looked so fullfilled..And I, like a silent and dedicated victim of its beauty, lie down in my courtyard… and when everyone else would be in their sound sleep, would stare at the night’s most precious belonging, as long as sleep would take over … For years I felt this longing so intensely that it has become a part of me..the object of desire kept changing but the intensity never went down..
2: Father’s Library and my first earning: If you ask me the most valuable treasure on this earth ,for me it would be my father’s library..Not because of the literal contents and quality per se, though it would fare well on that measure as well, but purely due to my emotional attachment with it..as kid, I have spent hours each day just staring at them with amazement and wondering whether my father had read all of them and whether he knew whatever is written in them.And more than that,whether I would ever be able to step in to their mysterious looking world ..
As I told, there was much more to my fondness with the library than even the books inside..The library gave me my first earning ,at the age of eleven..a full 100 Rs currency note..!!!...Not even a single penny less than the three digit number….which was surely much more then I could have dreamt in that age(considering the fact that I wouldn’t get even a single rupee to spend on my own in those days)…
It was an endless summer vacation. I tried all the possible activities which the children of our times were aware of..and had given up. When my father came up with this ‘too good to believe’ proposal..!!.. He asked me if I would want to arrange his books in the cupboard ..cover them up with a khaki paper, number them all and prepare a reference list with the numbers and titles of the book…I just jumped on the offer..:-)..I couldn’t have asked for more..And then the labor began..I got the ingredients of the recipe.. full roll of khaki paper, gum bottle, green color sketch pen, scissors..The books were of different size, shape and age.. some were so thick and big that I couldn’t hold them for more then few seconds, and some were so small that they could be covered with the left over waste paper…some were so old that their pages were coming out ,yet some were so new that I dint feel like covering them up with that boring khaki paper… And at the end of two months efforts ,I got a 100Rs currency note from my father..!!!..Even if I think hard today, I cant find out another event in my life so far, which had made me feel so happy and proud of myself as I was that day, holding the first earned money on my own.. What I did of that money? Well I gave it to my mother…
3: Talking with myself: The one thing which made my inner world a whole and complete space was this: I could talk with myself..for hours..while playing with my dolls,while peddling my bicycle,while watching sunsets..It was the time when my world wasn’t crowded,till then no one had stepped in ,no one had touched anything…everything looked so perfect..so balanced..so beautiful..so much possible..
It was much later that this world got crowded, shadowed, disheveled…noisy, old and rough…unbelievably fake..
But much before all these happened, for a while ,I lived in that serene, peaceful..and very owned world of mine…
Youth Years
1: Image in mirror: Youth years were a very difficult phase...the pace of change was unbearable, un-hold-able, un-slow-able .. Youth brought lot of complicated emotions along.. The most complicated change that I felt in me was the realization that I was a ‘GIRL’..till then I was as good (or as bad..!!!.) as a boy.. Strangely the worst of my struggle started when I started noticing myself in mirror.. It was a soft looking girl that I saw in reflection. That wasn’t ‘ME’..I wasn`t what I saw in mirror.. I was a rebel at core.. !!.. An angry person…angry with everything…Not settled with anything around.. but people started treating me like a growing up innocent girl...It was few years before I learned to react to people as per their expectations..I lived that image of mine which I saw in the mirror for years..and in those years I got more lost within me..got more unsure about myself..got more confused about my identity… It was only few years back when the traces of age started appearing that I started seeing a person with more strength and more conviction in the mirror .. So I loved growing up…growing up to what I am now. Because it took me out of my mirage of double existence.
2: Overwhelming Emotions: These years brought different kind of emotional insecurity.. I was over-sensitive and was easily hurt.. I started seeing world in different light, parents started looking distant, self doubts were abound, daily I would have a new question in mind and with each question ,I would become more unsure about myself.. I was struggling at every level.. my relation with everyone was changing.
I had to re-adjust with parents, siblings, friends.. I got new sets of rules and regulations as I grew up… studies, career planning , new kind of dreams, new kind of restrictions… all this brought lots of emotional pressure… I found myself worried all the time..
3: First Crush: One of the most featured incident in my life would remain my first crush..That un-usual experience taught me lot of valuable lessons..not just about Love but about Life as well…
I struggled against that feeling for years.. I cant bookmark the time when I came out of it but as I was winning over the vigor of it, I was becoming stronger within me..during this very important phase of my life, I learnt two things which I have never forgotten
1: Building Emotional Strength is one of the most basic exercise everyone needs to take up.. it doesn’t come easy, but then, nothing valuable comes easy in life..this strength keeps you safeguarded from most of the pains and fears in life..
2: The second lesson which I learnt is difficult to explain though but I will try..
I learnt that the ethics and morality defined in our society has got a very fragile base..they have little wisdom.. poeple are judged on factors they have no control over..The rigidity of social constitution has got a huge burden on its inhabitants, who basically are very vulnerable ..
Middle Age
1: Disillusions: Middle age so far has been the easiest and happiest time of my life.. After a long struggle I learnt to take life as it comes to me…No expectations, no complaints, no looking back and regretting, no setting benchmarks for future…Just living what I get…
For long I expected things to go in a particular direction, people to behave in a particular way, myself to be on par with a particular level.. I strived… but irrespective of whether I got what I expected or not, I wasn’t satisfied.. I craved for a moment of contentment, a moment when I was happy with wherever I was and whatever I had.. But that moment never came…till I stopped longing for it.. And after that things stopped bothering me.. My expectation from life went so low that whatever I got came as bonus to me…!!!.. So there lied the secret… A complete disillusionment would have brought a complete bliss…But even little disillusionment was blissful..
2: Re-discovery of self and re-assessments: I think to re-discover you, you need to loose yourself.. At least it happened with me.. For a while, life looked very hopeless and meaningless.. Nothing I knew was familiar.. Nothing I dreamt was relevant.. Nothing I desired was fulfilling.. It was Dark and Bleak and Lonely time.. I thought that life would go on like this and when I would get chance to look back ,I wouldn’t recognize me.. but I guess it never happens.. you never go out of touch with yourself.. it is just a matter of stopping for a while and calling yourself.. the sooner you do it , the better chances you have of finding yourself intact.. I was just in time to do that.. it was a huge relief when I heard back that very familiar, very forceful, frustrated yet hopeful , tired yet compelling voice from within… that was the moment and I have taken on life once again.. right now it is a time of redefining and re-assessment for me.. I am not sure if I would loose the lesson learnt of disillusion, but at the cost of conflicting myself, I admit that I am still hoping.. and yet I am still striving ..for the complete bliss..as everyone around me must be..
3: Settling down with myself: Towards the goal of finding the complete bliss for myself, this was a major step… I have stopped questioning myself, I have stopped judging myself.. I am being very lenient towards me.. I am settled with my flaws, my shortcomings, my inabilities.. I have learnt to love myself.. I can laugh on my stupidities, I can accept my mistakes, I don’t screw myself up if I don’t get what I set my mind on…for me it is about being happy, more then being successful… I know life still has to teach more lessons to me… I might still find reason to fight with myself..but right now and right here I am at peace with myself…
So was this it?..I wish I could say,’Yeah,this was it’..but as soon as I finished,I realized that there was so much more to tell..so much more to talk about..!!.I m feeling this compelling desire to start writing all over again…I am sure I am going to write it again to include things which were left unsaid..but before that let me ask few more questions to myself, let me discover more answers and let me get convinced of them…I will come back soon….
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